Sorry it is so long, but this is my journey of trying to bring a child into the world.
When Taylynn turned 2 July 2011 we decided we were ready to have another child. Taylynn came so easily in one month we were pregnant and 9 month's later we had her. So, the next child would be the same way, but it didn't turn out that way.
It took us 8 month's after we started to try for a baby to finally get pregnant. We were excited! At about 7 weeks I started to spot a little. I was told that if it is a miscarriage I couldn't do anything about it. Unfortunately the next week I miscarried. I didn't know what to do or what was going on, so I did go to the emergency room and I had miscarried and it was the worst experience I had gone through in my life.
For those who have miscarried you understand. I felt like I was a horrible person that I couldn't keep this child and that It was all my fault that it happen. I started to play the blame game on myself and what could I have done differently to not of miscarried. When I was visiting with Dr. Allen at the hospital he said something without him even knowing my concerns. He said, " This is not your fault at all, it happens and we just don't know why. He knew I was LDS, and he was too so he continued to say, " The baby only needed the little body it was perfect and didn't need to go through this life. The helped ease some of those doubts but not completely. I also got reminded that I will be able to raise that child in the next life, if I live worthily of it.
About 5 month's later I was pregnant again. That would of been around October 2012. I was excited but scared the whole time. What if I miscarry again ! So I at 8 weeks I went to the doctor and the worst news came. The baby had no heart beat. However, It might be to early to tell. So, I did some blood work and my HCG levels were decreasing, which ment I was going to have another miscarriage. I found out before Christmas and went all through Christmas knowing I was going to miscarry. From the time I found out I was going to miscarry I didn't for 4 more weeks. So, I was at 12 weeks when I finally did. Once again why was this happening? What could be wrong with me???
Do I really want to try again? It was just going to happen again! These are thoughts that went through my head. I really didn't want to try again, but I did. I wanted to have another child in our family to raise and enjoy. So once again we tried to have another baby. By this time it was Mar. 2013 and I was pregnant once again. I was going to have a December baby. The thoughts of being scared that I was going to miscarry again continued to be in the back of my mind. So, when I got about about 8 weeks went to the doctor with great hope that I was going to have a baby! For the third time those hopes were crushed. Why??? I was a good person, I had a good family to bring another baby into. Why??? Once again I was going to miscarry. At about 10 weeks I miscarried.
I decided to go up to Ogden to a doctor that specializes in women pregnancy and miscarriages. After going over my past with miscarriages. She gave me two things to do to start off. 1. Lose weight 2. distress myself. Well it sounds easier then it is for me. I got to losing weight I was eating good and exercising about 4-5 times a week. I lost 20 pounds. Then Clint got a job in Pleasant View Utah and we are going to have to move !!! Well he left and I was alone for 6 weeks and the exercising and eating right went down the drain. I actually gained 13 pounds back of the 20 I had lost by my appointment in February 2014. Then in Monticello I owned a Pizza place with my parents and there was a lot of stress involved with that, but I couldn't just leave my mom to do it all by herself. I worked about 5 days a week and Clint's job we never knew when he would be home so we didn't see a whole lot of each other. Then my poor child was either at the pizza place with me, at a friends or families house, or with Clint. I felt like I wasn't being the mom I wanted to be or the wife that actually cooked and cleaned house for my husband. So, with Clint getting a new job I wouldn't have the stress of the pizza place anymore.
I had my appointment in February 2014 and by then I was 7 weeks pregnant. I had lost some weight (which my doctor was happy about) and I had no more stress of pizza place. I had been able to rest more and take care of my family more then I was. When I got to the appointment I was so nervous that there wasn't going to be a heart beat. However, there was a beating heart that you could see so well. I felt great relief, but at same time the worries were not over. I was still worried about another miscarriage. There was lots of more blood tests done and everything looked great. I had another appointment at 11 weeks and once again a nervous mess. What if there will be no heart beat? Well there was great relief when I could see a baby moving around like crazy and looked so good. Doctor said everything looks great. Great relief and now I feel like I can share the great new with everyone. Yea I still have back of my mind that something still might go wrong, but at 12 weeks now the odds are so much less.
Through this all I have had great support from my family and friends, which has made it a lot easier. I am due on September 30, 2014 and in a month or two will be able to find out what we will be having.
The joy of being able to have children I know is a gift from God, and I am so excited to get to bring another child to this earth to raise.
The way I told Taylynn is I handed her the ultrasound of the baby and she starred at it for a minute and then got this big smile on her face. She said, " You are having a baby." She is so excited to finally be a big sister and she is going to be such a great helper.
